Raising Awareness About Abuse and Narcissism

So I am going to make this post about myself and my progress. I am getting a little sentimental today, because one year ago today was the day that I was induced and my first son was born on March 27 (tomorrow) 2009. I was so scared, petrofied really, of not only being a single mom, but having to deal with my abuser on a regular basis. On the way to hospital I sat in the car in silence wondering what the next year will bring and how I could move past everything that I had been through, and raise my son in a happy home.

Well one year has flown by and I made it through. I am a different person and my life and soul do not reflect any damages that my abuser did to me. I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship, and left when I was three months pregnant. I tried to leave many times before, but was caught in the cycle of abuse.

I have been through a year of counselling, 6 months of group with strong and wonderful women who have been through similar experiences and been doing this blog now since October. I have escaped the emotional and physical damage that he did to me. I have learned and educated myself about abuse in order to understand his tactics and to move on. I no longer live in fear and have escaped my anxiety as well.

I have moved on with my life and have a new found confidence in myself, not only to live life the way I want, but to find a new man who will treat me with respect and love. I know the red flags, I know the techniques and I know how to recognize them - I can see them a mile away now! Going through what I went through has made me a stronger women, a better mom, a more compassionate person and I am finally at peace and bliss with my life. I am truely happy with where I am and where my life is going to go.

For you women who are still in an abusive relationship, or are just leaving one and struggling to move past the damage and hurt that you have, reach out and get professional help! I did and it changed my life. I see everything in a new light and I have moved on. I have a restraining order against him, independent third parties that do the exchanges with my son and I am free from his control, abuse and narcissistic attacks. I have the rules of communication and I follow them to escape his constant attempt at "email wars".

I will not back down and will continue to do what is best for my son and of course for my self. Life is good and I love this blog as a way to educate myself further and hopefully help those women who are out there and feeling lost, lonely and hurt. I was there, I understand and I want to say that you can get through it - YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT and be happy again! Life is so precious and beautiful, but it is what we have been through that make us who we are. If we never experience true pain and sorrow - how do we know when we are really happy? I am not saying being abused is a good thing, but if it has happened to you (as it did with me) try to see the positive, learn what you can and make sure it never happens to you or anyone you love again! Don't let you abuser win in damaging you forever, take control and do everything you can to find love, happiness and peace within yourself.

Happy Birthday to my precious son who is my angel. Ayden, you saved me and you are my miracle. I wake up everyday just to see you smile and to see the joy of you growing up and being a happy young man. You are my life and you make me the happiest person in the world! I love you buddy!

During my counselling session this week my counsellor gave me a task. She wants me to write a post on this blog, about the interesting fact of legal aid versus having to pay for a lawyer.

In my personal situation, my ex is on legal aid and I do not qualify for legal aid (I own my home) so I have to pay for a high priced lawyer. And yes, lawyers charge a pretty penny.

We have been to court approximately 10 times in the past year which has costed me thousands of dollars and him NOTHING! Now I fully support legal aid and it's importance but there are a few aspects that I find extremely frustrating.

Firstly:

Because I bought a home to raise my son in, I don't get legal aid. I get less money than my ex and support my son by my self (with out any child support) yet the government won't help me with my legal costs? The message I see here, is if you are going through court, don't own a home. Make sure you have a small apartment and no yard to raise your child.....I disagree with this fully!

Secondly:

The judges are not allowed (supposed) to know who is on legal aid and who isn't. I don't understand this concept? When you fighting for costs and the lawyers are arguing the judge should be aware of who is paying for their lawyer and who is not when making this decision.

Thirdly:

Due to the fact that my ex isn't paying for his lawyer, he doesn't care! He will go to court as many times as he wants, take advantage of it and cost me thousands of dollars just because he can! There should be more severe limitations and regulations around legal aid...these are my tax dollars paying for him to use a lawyer for free!

Fourthly:

The order of costs. My ex has been ordered costs - he was ordered in November (a fairly large sum) but given a full year to pay because he is on legal aid and doesn't have money...Well, I am a single mom on maternity leave who has my lawyer right away! If he would have negotiated and worked with us, we would not have to go to court so often. So I had to pay thousands and wait a year for him to pay me???? Then a few weeks ago, he again was ordered more costs and ordered this time to pay right away...I haven't seen anything? My lawyer says I probably won't...So what are the consequences to him??? I can't say to my lawyer "well I can't pay you today but wait a year until I get my money!!" So why can he???

Fifethy:

When the judges are making their costs orders, they ask about prior orders. Twice now, he has not been ordered to pay anything (even though technically in law terminalogy I won) because he already has an order to pay. Again, WHAT ABOUT ME???? I am only in court, because of him, yet I have to pay and he doesn't???????

Sixthly:

When we are heading into court, because I pay and he doesn't, I am reasonable, fair and only ask and request what is the best for my son. He isn't at all! He shoots for the stars and makes everything rediculously challenging WHY??? Because he doesn't care it isn't costing him anything...

Seventh:

The lovely matter of child support. Why is it, that he makes enough to pay child support, to afford a lawyer but pays nothing and I have to take him to trial to get child support and costs orders (several have been adjourned to trial)??? What is this all about??? Again, his attitude is well it doesn't cost me anything so I will avoid it as long as possible and cost her money trying to get it out of me. My attitude, if you have a child HELP ME SUPPORT HIM! My lawyer fees are driving me into the ground. I don't want to sell my house just to get child support. My home is for my son!

So this is my rant about legal aid versus paying for a lawyer. I find this frustrating and outrageous and feel that the regulations around legal aid should be changed. It is a great concept for those who need it and will use it wisely, but for those who take advantage of it and abuse it - they should be cut off!

If you are coming to my blog and are trapped in an abusive relationship you may find this post helpful. I want to touch base on the reasons that a woman will stay in an abusive relationship. If you are (or have just left one) you most likely have felt these emotions. They are very valid concerns and feelings; but please don't blame yourself, don't be ashamed and take action to get your life back.

Women will typically stay in an abusive relationship for the following reasons:

1. FEAR - She is scared she may lose her children, for her and her childrens safety, and the most difficult fear of the unknown! We are all afraid of the unknown.

2. SHAME - Women who are or have been abused generally feel embarassed and ashamed of what has happened to her. Please do not feel ashamed, it is not your fault and you are amongst millions and millions of other women who have or are in the same situation as you.

3. ISOLATION - A technique of an abuser is to isolate his victim. Therefore a women in this situation may remain because she has little access to support, any attempts she has made to leave or get help were sabatoged by her partner and her partners isolation has created a dependency on him.

4. HELPLESSNESS - An abused women sees her partner has having all the power and her having none. She believes she is worthless and can't do better so she stays in that relationship because "she deserves it!". She has a lack of control over her own life and any prior attempt was unsuccessful so why try.

These are only some of the reasons a women may stay in an abusive relationship, but ones that I felt are feelings and thoughts that most abused women have. If you are blaming yourself for not leaving earlier, or if you are trapped in a relationship please know that you are not alone, there is a lot of support out there for you and you can take that step and get your life back. It is a challenge, but one that is easier than staying and being abused!

So when I am thinking about things and looking for inspiration and motivation I really enjoy finding meaningful quotes and poems. I have a poem that I would like to share. I don't think I have posted it yet (I hope I haven't).

This poem really speaks to me and means a lot in my opinion,

SURRENDER

Sometimes we find ourselves stripped of the
many lawyers of self-sufficiency and image
behind which we have hidden for so long.
As we honestly confront our own shadow
and deep fears, we are called to stand
with our arms raised in a cry of naked
surrender before a Divine Presence who
sees through our masks to the truth of who
we are. Surrounded by this unconditional love,
we can let down our guard as we continue to discover:
In our emptiness, we are filled,
In our nakedness, we are loved,
In this solitary space of surrender,
before the Holy, we are never alone.

Doris Klein.

I hope you enjoy this and this poem also speaks to you!

So this falls along the lines of the rules of communication and again I found this really helpful. I hope you do too!

1. Do you let him treat you badly and then complain when he does? Remaining in the relationship and contact only makes you look crazy!

2. He will win, ONLY if you are easily intimidated or vulnerable.

3. If you are in an emotional state don't engage with him. Our emotions makes us look rediculous. Take a 10 minute walk to clear your mind and calm down first.

4. If engagement is unavoidable - use the following as weapons against him
a. Mirror and act like he does. Let him know how he looks. Refuse REFUSE to bargain or negotiate.
b. Don't argue with crazy people!!
c. Let at least 48 hours go by before responding to him. You will acheive great clarity in this timeframe.
d. Provide precise details as to what you expect. He will NOT (or claim not to) know otherwise.
e. Mentally devalueing and discarding your abuser will give you the mental edge.
f. To get a reaction out of you, your abuser will make bizarre comments and wait for you to respond. Do not respond as your silence is more effective.

5. Exchange the bare minimum of information required in a custody agreement. THIS IS A BIGGIE FOR ME PERSONALLY!!

6. Learn to recognize intimidation and his bluffing tactics and expect any attempts at discussion and reason to fail.

7. Give him enough rope and he will provide you the opportunity to record his abuse. Courtroom needed proof of abuse is WELL worth the wait. Be prepared and act as he will NOT give you a second chance.


Please read through these and practise them in your contacts with your abuser. They have really changed my approach and helped me to understand him and his ways more!

So this is a continuation of the last post. Again, I found these really helpful and I hope that you do as well.

Rule 16 - If a correction is needed use the sandwich approach - praise, correction, finished with praise. Just like a teacher in elementary school!

Rule 17 - Do your best to anticipate his reactions and have counter responses ready. But don't overdo this as you can drive yourself crazy trying to anticipate his every move.

Rule 18 - Expect immature behaviour - remember who you are talking/emailing.

Rule 19 - Do not hesitate to contact or involve the police at any sign of violence or danger. You need to protection yourself and make sure you are safe at all times.

Rule 20 - Don't accept any "kind" gestures or offers from him. Also, don't offer to do anything for him or ask him for anything.

Rule 21 - Don't ever volunteer yourself. Make them ask and say no! This is your secret weapon!

Rule 22 - Abusers are FANTASTIC actors! He will appear to be pitiful and in need of your help. He will try to get you to feel sorry for him. DON'T!!!! Be strong

Rule 23 - Do not allow your abuser to ambush you for a response. If you don't want to respond DON'T!

So these are the 23 rules of communication with an abuser that were passed on to me and that I am sharing with you all! Next, I am going to focus on the rules of engagement with an abuser which I found equally helpful for my situation and I hope that you will too! Good luck and try to follows these techniques when communicating either via email or in person with your abuser!

Rule 24 - When you are in negotiations - State something that he MUST do before you do your part. OTherwise it will be a one sided negotiation.

Rule 25 - Play ball when it is neccessary to avoid being on the receiving end of a narcissistic outburst - it can be severe! Find ways to make it look like your abuser will win by co-operating. This I find the most challenging, but the most important! I dont know about you all, but I have been on the receiving end of a narcissitic outburst several times and it is not fun!

So this has been a grave challenge for me: We share a child so we have to be (minimal at that) in contact. I was struggling with my communication as when he would be angry, put me down etc in an email I would respond with frustration and anger back at him. I told my counsellor about my frustrations and how I am sick of getting into "email wars" with him and she gave to me the most helpful information to date. I want to share this with all of you and dedicate a few posts on the techniques that you should be using when communication with an abusive man

The first rule is to be assertive, brief, precise and show no agression. Keep it to the point, ignore his rude comments and state only what is neccessary to state. Initiating an argument is what he wants. So don't let that happen.

The second rule is to avoid being nice to your abuser. They will see this as a sign of being weak and prounce on you like prey.

The third rule is to ignore his nasty comments. Ignoring them will be more annoying to him as he is doing it to get a reaction out of you.

The fourth rule is to avoid hot topics. He will see this as an attack and attack you back. Stick to the bare minimum and only what you need to.

The fifth rule is to recognize his attempts to bait you and to push your buttons. Don't reward his attempt.

The sixth rule is to avoid overloading with information and stick to one subject at a time.

The seventh rule is to not let your abuser change the subject and go off track.Keep refocusing on the topic at hand. The instant the blame game, sarcastic comments, criticism, insults etc occur walk away or stop communicating.

The eigth rule is that boundaries are non-negotiable. Do not participate in your abuse.

The nineth rule is to remember that they are patholigical liars - avoid asking questions and assume everything is a lie to avoid disappointment.

The tenth rule is to learn the difference between statements and questions. Don't respond to statements (especially insulting ones)

The eleventh rule is not to reveal anything about yourself. Do not show him any vulnerability - again he will prounce on this like prey

The twelfth rule is to pay attention to projection. By being observative you may be able to find out what your abuser is up to and what games are coming next.

The thirteenth rule is if you are a submissive person by nature - learn to be assertive.

The fourteenth rule is to understand you can say "NO" without explanation.

The fifteenth rule is to expect him to try and wear you down. Enjoy the show and dont let him!!!

Ok so these are the first 15. I don't want to overload one post so I will be splitting them up. I hope you find these helpful, I know I did and they have (and will) help me in communicating with my abusive ex.

So I just wanted to say how FANTASTIC the olympics were...I have Olympic fever and now it is over...I am in withdrawal!! Canada did amazing and the crows at Vancouver were awesome...I am also very impressed with the Americans performance!!!

So I wanted to do a post on dealing with loneliness after leaving an abusive relationship. It is difficult to be on your own, especially when you are dealing with the consequences of the abuse you suffered and are trying to heal from it. I want to offer some suggestions of ways you can help deal with the loneliness so that it does not overtake you!

1. Get a pet - a cat or a dog are great companions and are always there for you! Personally, i have a dog (he does live with my parents though long story) and i just adopted a wonderful cat "buddy"!

2. Volunteering. This is not only a great way to get out and get your mind off things, but you can also meet some inspiring people who could change your life forever.

3. Check out the website MeetUp.com. This website offers support groups and local hobby clubs like a book club or scrap booking. Having hobbies and meeting people with similar interests is a great way to move on and to bring joy and happiness back into your life.


These are just a few ways to help deal with loneliness and to move on. Dealing with the grief of leaving an abusive relationship is difficult and a process - it does not happen overnight. But, getting out there, meeting new people, having companionship and taking up a hobby is a great way to relieve the heart ache, stress and to get your mind of things...Personally, I love to dig into a good movie. A few weeks back I rented Transformers (I know kind a cheesey but it reminds me of being a kid..I loved transformers growing up) and I sunk into the 2.5 hour movie and forgot about my life and my stresses. I felt great afterwards and it was a nice break from the reality of what i have been through!