Raising Awareness About Abuse and Narcissism

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

2010-04-16T20:20:00.002-04:00

From my experience and my research a lot of abusive men suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I have touched on this in past posts, however, I want to provide a list of symptoms and some further information on this disorder. Please read these symptoms carefully and compare them to your abuser.

* They believe that they are better than other people
* They exaggerate their acheivements and/or talents
* They expect constant praise and admiration
* They believe that they are special and act accordingly
* They do NOT recognize other peoples emotions and feelings
* They expect others to go along with their plans and ideas
* They take advantage of others
* They are jealous of others
* They believe that others are jealous of them
* They have trouble keeping healthy relationships
* They set unrealistic goals
* They have a very fragile self-esteem
* They appear unemotional.

When I read this list, I can't believe how much it describes my abuser. Had I educated myself before, I would have seen this disorder in him, many years ago. He would make comments like "I am hot, I should be famous. I am better looking than Brad Pitt" Or "My music is better than theirs I should be praised" (ya he can't even read music...???)...He thought and still does, that he was gods gift to women, this world and he deserves everything. He treated everyone like they were beneath him and needed to be constantly praised and complimented. If you are in a relationship with someone and this list sounds like them, you should consider the possiblity that this person suffers from this disorder, and stands a good chance to be abusive: If they are not already!

COPING/SURVIVAL SKILLS

2010-04-03T12:30:00.002-04:00

I want to start this post off by saying R.I.P Uncle Pete I know you are having a great time where you are now!

In my group we are discussing coping and survival skills and I thought this would be a great post as I haven't touched on this at all in the past.

When caught in an abusive relationship there are standard survival/coping skills that us women will rely on to get us through it. It is human nature to react in the following manners.

*ADDICTIONS: This is the coping skill that I personally used for the 2.5 years that I was being abused.
Alcohol
Drugs
Smoking
TV
Gambling
Overeating
Exercise/diet
Internet
Work

No matter what your addiction is, it is normal and a survival skill that is built into us humans. It is not a healthy way of living, but it is natural do react in manners listed above. The first step is to recognize the abuse, and the second is to recognize how you have changed in order to survive and cope with your pain.

*SHUT YOURSELF OFF:
It is natural to shut off and feel numb inside. Again, this is our way of coping with the pain that we are/have endured. It is easier to shut off than to deal with reality

*DIFFICULTY TRUSTING:
This is another big one, and one that is natural as a human being to cope with your pain. This is hard to get over, but it can be accomplished with your hope to get over and move on from your past.

These are just a few, but in my opinion, the most common and the ones that I wanted to touch base on. Remember that you are resilient and you do have the ability to survive and get past what you have been through. Don't be afraid or embarrassed to reach out for help.

I want to end this post by wishing everyone a Happy Easter Long Weekend and I hope you are enjoying this beautiful weather with your family and friends.

There is Hope to Recover and Move On

2010-03-26T09:56:00.003-04:00

So I am going to make this post about myself and my progress. I am getting a little sentimental today, because one year ago today was the day that I was induced and my first son was born on March 27 (tomorrow) 2009. I was so scared, petrofied really, of not only being a single mom, but having to deal with my abuser on a regular basis. On the way to hospital I sat in the car in silence wondering what the next year will bring and how I could move past everything that I had been through, and raise my son in a happy home.

Well one year has flown by and I made it through. I am a different person and my life and soul do not reflect any damages that my abuser did to me. I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship, and left when I was three months pregnant. I tried to leave many times before, but was caught in the cycle of abuse.

I have been through a year of counselling, 6 months of group with strong and wonderful women who have been through similar experiences and been doing this blog now since October. I have escaped the emotional and physical damage that he did to me. I have learned and educated myself about abuse in order to understand his tactics and to move on. I no longer live in fear and have escaped my anxiety as well.

I have moved on with my life and have a new found confidence in myself, not only to live life the way I want, but to find a new man who will treat me with respect and love. I know the red flags, I know the techniques and I know how to recognize them - I can see them a mile away now! Going through what I went through has made me a stronger women, a better mom, a more compassionate person and I am finally at peace and bliss with my life. I am truely happy with where I am and where my life is going to go.

For you women who are still in an abusive relationship, or are just leaving one and struggling to move past the damage and hurt that you have, reach out and get professional help! I did and it changed my life. I see everything in a new light and I have moved on. I have a restraining order against him, independent third parties that do the exchanges with my son and I am free from his control, abuse and narcissistic attacks. I have the rules of communication and I follow them to escape his constant attempt at "email wars".

I will not back down and will continue to do what is best for my son and of course for my self. Life is good and I love this blog as a way to educate myself further and hopefully help those women who are out there and feeling lost, lonely and hurt. I was there, I understand and I want to say that you can get through it - YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT and be happy again! Life is so precious and beautiful, but it is what we have been through that make us who we are. If we never experience true pain and sorrow - how do we know when we are really happy? I am not saying being abused is a good thing, but if it has happened to you (as it did with me) try to see the positive, learn what you can and make sure it never happens to you or anyone you love again! Don't let you abuser win in damaging you forever, take control and do everything you can to find love, happiness and peace within yourself.

Happy Birthday to my precious son who is my angel. Ayden, you saved me and you are my miracle. I wake up everyday just to see you smile and to see the joy of you growing up and being a happy young man. You are my life and you make me the happiest person in the world! I love you buddy!

LAWYER FEES AND COURT COSTS

2010-03-20T11:54:00.003-04:00

During my counselling session this week my counsellor gave me a task. She wants me to write a post on this blog, about the interesting fact of legal aid versus having to pay for a lawyer.

In my personal situation, my ex is on legal aid and I do not qualify for legal aid (I own my home) so I have to pay for a high priced lawyer. And yes, lawyers charge a pretty penny.

We have been to court approximately 10 times in the past year which has costed me thousands of dollars and him NOTHING! Now I fully support legal aid and it's importance but there are a few aspects that I find extremely frustrating.

Firstly:

Because I bought a home to raise my son in, I don't get legal aid. I get less money than my ex and support my son by my self (with out any child support) yet the government won't help me with my legal costs? The message I see here, is if you are going through court, don't own a home. Make sure you have a small apartment and no yard to raise your child.....I disagree with this fully!

Secondly:

The judges are not allowed (supposed) to know who is on legal aid and who isn't. I don't understand this concept? When you fighting for costs and the lawyers are arguing the judge should be aware of who is paying for their lawyer and who is not when making this decision.

Thirdly:

Due to the fact that my ex isn't paying for his lawyer, he doesn't care! He will go to court as many times as he wants, take advantage of it and cost me thousands of dollars just because he can! There should be more severe limitations and regulations around legal aid...these are my tax dollars paying for him to use a lawyer for free!

Fourthly:

The order of costs. My ex has been ordered costs - he was ordered in November (a fairly large sum) but given a full year to pay because he is on legal aid and doesn't have money...Well, I am a single mom on maternity leave who has my lawyer right away! If he would have negotiated and worked with us, we would not have to go to court so often. So I had to pay thousands and wait a year for him to pay me???? Then a few weeks ago, he again was ordered more costs and ordered this time to pay right away...I haven't seen anything? My lawyer says I probably won't...So what are the consequences to him??? I can't say to my lawyer "well I can't pay you today but wait a year until I get my money!!" So why can he???

Fifethy:

When the judges are making their costs orders, they ask about prior orders. Twice now, he has not been ordered to pay anything (even though technically in law terminalogy I won) because he already has an order to pay. Again, WHAT ABOUT ME???? I am only in court, because of him, yet I have to pay and he doesn't???????

Sixthly:

When we are heading into court, because I pay and he doesn't, I am reasonable, fair and only ask and request what is the best for my son. He isn't at all! He shoots for the stars and makes everything rediculously challenging WHY??? Because he doesn't care it isn't costing him anything...

Seventh:

The lovely matter of child support. Why is it, that he makes enough to pay child support, to afford a lawyer but pays nothing and I have to take him to trial to get child support and costs orders (several have been adjourned to trial)??? What is this all about??? Again, his attitude is well it doesn't cost me anything so I will avoid it as long as possible and cost her money trying to get it out of me. My attitude, if you have a child HELP ME SUPPORT HIM! My lawyer fees are driving me into the ground. I don't want to sell my house just to get child support. My home is for my son!

So this is my rant about legal aid versus paying for a lawyer. I find this frustrating and outrageous and feel that the regulations around legal aid should be changed. It is a great concept for those who need it and will use it wisely, but for those who take advantage of it and abuse it - they should be cut off!

Why Do Women Stay in An Abusive Relationship?

2010-03-17T19:41:00.003-04:00

If you are coming to my blog and are trapped in an abusive relationship you may find this post helpful. I want to touch base on the reasons that a woman will stay in an abusive relationship. If you are (or have just left one) you most likely have felt these emotions. They are very valid concerns and feelings; but please don't blame yourself, don't be ashamed and take action to get your life back.

Women will typically stay in an abusive relationship for the following reasons:

1. FEAR - She is scared she may lose her children, for her and her childrens safety, and the most difficult fear of the unknown! We are all afraid of the unknown.

2. SHAME - Women who are or have been abused generally feel embarassed and ashamed of what has happened to her. Please do not feel ashamed, it is not your fault and you are amongst millions and millions of other women who have or are in the same situation as you.

3. ISOLATION - A technique of an abuser is to isolate his victim. Therefore a women in this situation may remain because she has little access to support, any attempts she has made to leave or get help were sabatoged by her partner and her partners isolation has created a dependency on him.

4. HELPLESSNESS - An abused women sees her partner has having all the power and her having none. She believes she is worthless and can't do better so she stays in that relationship because "she deserves it!". She has a lack of control over her own life and any prior attempt was unsuccessful so why try.

These are only some of the reasons a women may stay in an abusive relationship, but ones that I felt are feelings and thoughts that most abused women have. If you are blaming yourself for not leaving earlier, or if you are trapped in a relationship please know that you are not alone, there is a lot of support out there for you and you can take that step and get your life back. It is a challenge, but one that is easier than staying and being abused!

SURRENDER

2010-03-13T21:08:00.002-05:00

So when I am thinking about things and looking for inspiration and motivation I really enjoy finding meaningful quotes and poems. I have a poem that I would like to share. I don't think I have posted it yet (I hope I haven't).

This poem really speaks to me and means a lot in my opinion,

SURRENDER

Sometimes we find ourselves stripped of the
many lawyers of self-sufficiency and image
behind which we have hidden for so long.
As we honestly confront our own shadow
and deep fears, we are called to stand
with our arms raised in a cry of naked
surrender before a Divine Presence who
sees through our masks to the truth of who
we are. Surrounded by this unconditional love,
we can let down our guard as we continue to discover:
In our emptiness, we are filled,
In our nakedness, we are loved,
In this solitary space of surrender,
before the Holy, we are never alone.

Doris Klein.

I hope you enjoy this and this poem also speaks to you!

Rules of Engagement with Your Abuser

2010-03-11T19:17:00.002-05:00

So this falls along the lines of the rules of communication and again I found this really helpful. I hope you do too!

1. Do you let him treat you badly and then complain when he does? Remaining in the relationship and contact only makes you look crazy!

2. He will win, ONLY if you are easily intimidated or vulnerable.

3. If you are in an emotional state don't engage with him. Our emotions makes us look rediculous. Take a 10 minute walk to clear your mind and calm down first.

4. If engagement is unavoidable - use the following as weapons against him
a. Mirror and act like he does. Let him know how he looks. Refuse REFUSE to bargain or negotiate.
b. Don't argue with crazy people!!
c. Let at least 48 hours go by before responding to him. You will acheive great clarity in this timeframe.
d. Provide precise details as to what you expect. He will NOT (or claim not to) know otherwise.
e. Mentally devalueing and discarding your abuser will give you the mental edge.
f. To get a reaction out of you, your abuser will make bizarre comments and wait for you to respond. Do not respond as your silence is more effective.

5. Exchange the bare minimum of information required in a custody agreement. THIS IS A BIGGIE FOR ME PERSONALLY!!

6. Learn to recognize intimidation and his bluffing tactics and expect any attempts at discussion and reason to fail.

7. Give him enough rope and he will provide you the opportunity to record his abuse. Courtroom needed proof of abuse is WELL worth the wait. Be prepared and act as he will NOT give you a second chance.

Please read through these and practise them in your contacts with your abuser. They have really changed my approach and helped me to understand him and his ways more!

HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH AN ABUSER PART 2

2010-03-06T19:08:00.002-05:00

So this is a continuation of the last post. Again, I found these really helpful and I hope that you do as well.

Rule 16 - If a correction is needed use the sandwich approach - praise, correction, finished with praise. Just like a teacher in elementary school!

Rule 17 - Do your best to anticipate his reactions and have counter responses ready. But don't overdo this as you can drive yourself crazy trying to anticipate his every move.

Rule 18 - Expect immature behaviour - remember who you are talking/emailing.

Rule 19 - Do not hesitate to contact or involve the police at any sign of violence or danger. You need to protection yourself and make sure you are safe at all times.

Rule 20 - Don't accept any "kind" gestures or offers from him. Also, don't offer to do anything for him or ask him for anything.

Rule 21 - Don't ever volunteer yourself. Make them ask and say no! This is your secret weapon!

Rule 22 - Abusers are FANTASTIC actors! He will appear to be pitiful and in need of your help. He will try to get you to feel sorry for him. DON'T!!!! Be strong

Rule 23 - Do not allow your abuser to ambush you for a response. If you don't want to respond DON'T!

So these are the 23 rules of communication with an abuser that were passed on to me and that I am sharing with you all! Next, I am going to focus on the rules of engagement with an abuser which I found equally helpful for my situation and I hope that you will too! Good luck and try to follows these techniques when communicating either via email or in person with your abuser!

Rule 24 - When you are in negotiations - State something that he MUST do before you do your part. OTherwise it will be a one sided negotiation.

Rule 25 - Play ball when it is neccessary to avoid being on the receiving end of a narcissistic outburst - it can be severe! Find ways to make it look like your abuser will win by co-operating. This I find the most challenging, but the most important! I dont know about you all, but I have been on the receiving end of a narcissitic outburst several times and it is not fun!

Communicating With Your Abuser After Leaving Him.

2010-03-04T18:06:00.002-05:00

So this has been a grave challenge for me: We share a child so we have to be (minimal at that) in contact. I was struggling with my communication as when he would be angry, put me down etc in an email I would respond with frustration and anger back at him. I told my counsellor about my frustrations and how I am sick of getting into "email wars" with him and she gave to me the most helpful information to date. I want to share this with all of you and dedicate a few posts on the techniques that you should be using when communication with an abusive man

The first rule is to be assertive, brief, precise and show no agression. Keep it to the point, ignore his rude comments and state only what is neccessary to state. Initiating an argument is what he wants. So don't let that happen.

The second rule is to avoid being nice to your abuser. They will see this as a sign of being weak and prounce on you like prey.

The third rule is to ignore his nasty comments. Ignoring them will be more annoying to him as he is doing it to get a reaction out of you.

The fourth rule is to avoid hot topics. He will see this as an attack and attack you back. Stick to the bare minimum and only what you need to.

The fifth rule is to recognize his attempts to bait you and to push your buttons. Don't reward his attempt.

The sixth rule is to avoid overloading with information and stick to one subject at a time.

The seventh rule is to not let your abuser change the subject and go off track.Keep refocusing on the topic at hand. The instant the blame game, sarcastic comments, criticism, insults etc occur walk away or stop communicating.

The eigth rule is that boundaries are non-negotiable. Do not participate in your abuse.

The nineth rule is to remember that they are patholigical liars - avoid asking questions and assume everything is a lie to avoid disappointment.

The tenth rule is to learn the difference between statements and questions. Don't respond to statements (especially insulting ones)

The eleventh rule is not to reveal anything about yourself. Do not show him any vulnerability - again he will prounce on this like prey

The twelfth rule is to pay attention to projection. By being observative you may be able to find out what your abuser is up to and what games are coming next.

The thirteenth rule is if you are a submissive person by nature - learn to be assertive.

The fourteenth rule is to understand you can say "NO" without explanation.

The fifteenth rule is to expect him to try and wear you down. Enjoy the show and dont let him!!!

Ok so these are the first 15. I don't want to overload one post so I will be splitting them up. I hope you find these helpful, I know I did and they have (and will) help me in communicating with my abusive ex.

Loneliness After Leaving an Abusive Relationship

2010-03-02T15:46:00.002-05:00

So I just wanted to say how FANTASTIC the olympics were...I have Olympic fever and now it is over...I am in withdrawal!! Canada did amazing and the crows at Vancouver were awesome...I am also very impressed with the Americans performance!!!

So I wanted to do a post on dealing with loneliness after leaving an abusive relationship. It is difficult to be on your own, especially when you are dealing with the consequences of the abuse you suffered and are trying to heal from it. I want to offer some suggestions of ways you can help deal with the loneliness so that it does not overtake you!

1. Get a pet - a cat or a dog are great companions and are always there for you! Personally, i have a dog (he does live with my parents though long story) and i just adopted a wonderful cat "buddy"!

2. Volunteering. This is not only a great way to get out and get your mind off things, but you can also meet some inspiring people who could change your life forever.

3. Check out the website MeetUp.com. This website offers support groups and local hobby clubs like a book club or scrap booking. Having hobbies and meeting people with similar interests is a great way to move on and to bring joy and happiness back into your life.

These are just a few ways to help deal with loneliness and to move on. Dealing with the grief of leaving an abusive relationship is difficult and a process - it does not happen overnight. But, getting out there, meeting new people, having companionship and taking up a hobby is a great way to relieve the heart ache, stress and to get your mind of things...Personally, I love to dig into a good movie. A few weeks back I rented Transformers (I know kind a cheesey but it reminds me of being a kid..I loved transformers growing up) and I sunk into the 2.5 hour movie and forgot about my life and my stresses. I felt great afterwards and it was a nice break from the reality of what i have been through!

OLYMPICS

2010-02-15T10:49:00.001-05:00

Hello ladies and gents!!

Unfortunately, I have Olympic fever!! I get it every olympics!!! I will try to do some posting through out; however, I get to post only while my son is sleeping and right now when he sleeps I am glued to the T.V!!

Sorry for the lack of posting, but for the next few weeks I may be glued to the T.V watching these fantastic athletes compete!!!

Thanks for your understanding!

COERCION AND THREATS

2010-02-12T18:31:00.002-05:00

So this is my final post in my series of posts on the Power and Control Wheel. When I first read this wheel, I couldn't believe it! It was the story of my abuser and my life for the past 3 years. He used over 95% of these techniques so they are good to know and to be aware of!

* An abuser will make threats to hurt you or to do something to you, in order to get his way. For example: If you don't give me what I want, I will call your mother and tell her how crazy you are!

*Your abuser will threaten to commit suicide if you leave him. This is his way of trying to convince you that he loves you and needs you. But, this is not healthy and leaves you feeling trapped and hopeless

*If you contact the police to charge your abuser, he will make you drop the charges "or else!" The difficult part is, it can sometimes be very stressfull, difficult and a lot of backlash comes your way for taking this step. But, this is a step that you need to take if your abuser is physically harming you.

So as mentioned, this is the last section of the power control wheel. Any thoughts or comments on these techniques?

ECONOMICAL ABUSE

2010-02-09T19:18:00.002-05:00

Second last section of the power and control wheel. I hope these postings are helping you to understand some of the techniques that abusive men will use. Hopefully you can use this in your present, past or future understanding and avoidance of abusive relationship.

ECONOMICAL ABUSE:

*Your abuser will prevent you from having a job. If you don't work and don't earn money, than you are dependent on him. You can't leave him if you can't take care of yourself financially. He has complete control of you and your life.

*Abusive men will make you ask him for money and/or give you an allowance! Whether you work or not, they want to control everything and make you fell powerless by asking them for money. you have the right to have your own money, and you have the right to spend it however you want!

* Abusive men will also take your money. Whether it's money you earned, inherited or was given to you as a gift: An abusive man will want to take it from you and control what it is spent on.

*Abusive men will also keep family finances a secret. They don't want you to know what finances are around: What bank accounts, investments etc. The less you know, the better! Make sure you are in the loop because if you are married everything he has is also yours! Split 50/50!

Be aware of this type of control: Abusive men will use money to keep you around and make you feel like you can't leave or you will be homeless, in a shelter or not be able to survive. Never forget that everything the two of you have belongs to the two of you. And if you want to work - WORK!! It's your right being a women in our time!

USING MALE PRIVELEGE

2010-02-07T14:16:00.002-05:00

Ok so here is another part of the power and control wheel. This section personally, I don't have a lot of experience with only one or two of the techniques. . But, I still want to discuss this with you as a lot of abusive men do use this technique to control and gain power over you.

*Your abuser will treat you like his servent. Expect you to do all the cleaning, cooking and house work...

* Your abuser will try and make all of the BIG decisions. He wants to decide everything. If you try to work with him or make decisions of any kind, you will pay for your effort. He will also go on and on and on about it, until you give in to give him his way...sometimes for the abusee, this is easier!

*He will defined your role and his role. These roles tend to be sexist and based on old school values....

I hope this helps you out and if you notice these techniques being used, you may be within an abusive relationship.

USING CHILDREN

2010-02-05T18:14:00.002-05:00

The next part of the power and control wheel I want to examine is the section of using children. This section I find extremely disturbing and have experienced myself in my personal experiences.

*Your abuser will use your children to make you feel guilty about leaving him. He will try to convince you that you are ruining the family and taking his kids away. Well, if he didnt abuse you, you probably wouldn't be leaving him! Don't listen to him. The children are better to be raised from a "broken family as society calls it" than to be raised in an abusive home. Children learn from their parents: If all they see is physical and emotional abuse this is what they will grow to be. If they see their mom leave their dad because of how he treated her, than they will learn for themselves what the proper way to act is. DO NOT feel guilty in any way shape or form - the kids are better off with you leaving your abusive partner.

*An abusive partner will use the children to harrass you. Sad, but true! He will use the exchanges to get to you and to call you names, to try and make you see how you are hurting him, to try and get you back. Don't fall victim to his games again. Don't fall victim to arguing infront of the children. Simply ignore him, and allow your children to go with him. Don't let him affect you and ruin your alone time.

*Your abusive ex-partner will use your children to relay messages. He will tell the children that you broke the family up and to tell you how much he is hurting or hates you etc etc...He will pass along inappropriate messages through your children. Again, sad but true! The kids are not pawns, they are innocent human beings. Don't let this hurt you and if you find it is hurting your children reach out to your lawyer for legal advice to stop this type of behaviour once and for all.

To sum this section up, your abusive partner will try to get you to stay with him "for the children". Your children are worse off growing up in an abusive home I assure you of this: Hence the term "circle of abuse". Don't listen to him and do not feel guilty about leaving and "breaking up the family!". You need to be happy in order to raise your children in a happy and loving environment.

MINIMIZING, DENYING AND BLAMING

2010-02-02T18:41:00.004-05:00

On to the next section of the power and control wheel. For me personally, I feel the strongest and still have undealth with feelings on this part of the wheel...I find this tactic the most frustrating and irritating of them all.

*your abuser will not take the abuse seriously, nor your concerns about it and state that the abuse didn't happen. They will deny that they are abusive until they are blue in the face. To them, their actions are "manly or masculine" not abusive. Actually, with you raising your concerns of the abuse, it will cause your abuser to be more angry and for the abuse to get worse. They will blame you and tell you that you are hurting them and the cause of all the problems: DON'T BELIEVE THEM!

*Your abuser will shift the responsibility for their abusive behaviour. They may blame you, their work, their stressful life, the children, the busdriver...anybody but themselves. They never see themselves as the problem, and are ALWAYS angry at somebody for something. Hence my prior post "misplaced compassion"

*And of course the abuser will say you caused it. They may even go as far as stating you were abusive too! But facts show, most women only become abusive in self-defense. Your abuser will tell you you're crazy, you caused them to be like this, they are only angry around you nobody else. They will make you feel like you are the problem: But, you are not. They are! They are choosing which actions and behaviours to take and are making the wrong decision. You have nothing to do with it!

All in all, don't allow your abuser to blame you. One common question or thought that I see is "I blame myself because I ALLOWED him to treat me this way and cause it for so many years"...you didn't allow anything. Your abuser would have abused you, no matter how you acted or what you tried. Actually, had you fought back, the abuse would have been worse.

POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL: ISOLATION

2010-01-29T19:02:00.003-05:00

so time for another section of this wheel:

ISOLATION:

*Abusive men will try to control you not only in your own home, but also outside. They will determine where you go, who you see and can be friend with even what you read. For the abuser, the less people you are in contact with the better. It is easier for them to control and abuse you; if you have no one else in your life to turn to.

*Abusers will also use jealousy to justify their actions to you. This is really manipulative as they think you will like that they are jealous "because they love you" and place the blame of their controlling nature and abusive ways on jealousy: Again, blaming you are your actions for their problems.

Please don't fall for these techniques. If you notice either of these occuring in your relationship: really evaluate it, and determine if it is abusive or just "unhealthy".....

BACK TO THE POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL

2010-01-27T20:58:00.005-05:00

So I want to focus back again on the power and control wheel. The next area I want to touch on is:
USING EMOTIONAL ABUSE TO CONTROL YOU:

*So obviously abusive men will put you down to gain control of you. Whether they tell you you're crazy, they are too good for you, you are not attractive enough to be with them, you are fat or ugly etc...what ever the insult...it is emotional abuse and is meant to hurt you.

*Abusive men will make you feel bad about yourself. and make you self-conscience so you don't have the confidence to see that you are too good for them. Also, to make themselves feel like they are too good for you!

*Abusive men will call you names to gain control and power. For Example; stupid, dumb, crazy, psycho...anything that again puts you down.

*Abusive men will use tactics to make you feel crazy. When you are mad at something or upset, or try to stand up to them: They will tell you, that you are crazy and out of wack!! Don't believe them, you are not crazy and chances are, you have every reason to be upset or mad at them. (my abuser was a pro at this...still tries to convince the world that I am crazy and have psychological problems....)

*Abusive men will also play mind games with you. They will try and make you jealous, or stay out late to test you and play with your emotions and your mind.

*Abusive men will also humiliate you. Have you ever been in a store when he started yelling at you and embarassed you? or out with friends and he snipes on every comment you make? yep...this is his technique to control you no matter where you are.

*I love LOVE LOVE this last one: he will make you feel guilty!!! He will do everything and anything to make you feel guilty...The only example I can think of is my personal example. He harasses, verbally attacks me, waives his arms at me and starts arguments screaming, yelling and calling me names at every chance he gets, so I hired a third party to do the exchanges between him and myself for his visits with my son(the courts ordered this as well) and now he tries to make me feel bad because he doesn't work and can't afford the third party: We pay half, it's not expensive...but again he is trying to make me feel guilty...it ain't my problem that he chooses (CHOOOSES CHOOOSES CHOOOOOSES) not to work...that's his choice..not mine!!! So anytime he tries to flip the situation and make you feel guilty, think twice and don't MISPLACE YOUR COMPASSION...(the story I posted a few days ago really demonstrates this)

If you find that your partner is doing any of the above, you are in an abusive relationsip and he/she is trying to control you....

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE

2010-01-25T14:57:00.000-05:00

When you are feeling down, here is a great quote that I really like by Kahlil Gibran:

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.And how else can it be?The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."

POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL

2010-01-23T09:19:00.003-05:00

I want to dedicate a few posts to the power and control wheel. The first time I saw this wheel, I almost fell off my chair as it really describes my ex. I know that other abused women feel the same. If you have never seen this wheel, I hope that these posts help you to understand the power and control that abusive men want and will try to do to gain their control over you.

There are 8 sections to this wheel each dedicating statements of what power and control are and the techniques abusive men use.

The first I am going to touch on is USING INTIMIDATION

USING INTIMIDATION

*Your abuser will use actions, looks and gestures to make you afraid of them. Waving their arms in the air, making fists, staring you down with a stern look on their face, yelling at you, calling you names etc. These are examples of what they will do.

*Your abuser will destroy your property, smash things, throw things. This is actually physical abuse. They are showing their violent nature and intimidating you by showing that they are stronger than you are and by using your property (or sometimes their own or combined propery). If they throw furniture, punch the wall, throw dishes etc. They are trying to scare you to give into them and to be afraid to go against them or disagree with them or NOT do what they want you to do.

*Your abuser will abuse pets. They will kick them, or smack them hard or throw them. They are showing you their anger and that you could be the one on the other end of that kick, smack or physical abuse. A first sign of an abuser is a man who tortures or kills animals as a young boy or teenager. Watch out for this one, because killing animals is a sign of a sociopath. Have you ever seen the "Butterfly Effect"....

*Your abuser will display weapons. This technique is used to completely intimidate you. That weapon is around and he will use it if he needs it. He is trying to scare you and it does work.

So again, this is just one section of the Power and Control Wheel. In my case, all of these apply to my abuser. In your case, maybe all or one or two but either way, if you are in a relationship and any of these techniques or examples are taking place, you are in an abusive relationship. Your partner is showing his violent manner and controlling manner to ensure you are under his control.

DONATIONS

2010-01-21T18:37:00.001-05:00

So, I know that us abused women are not rich or flowing in filth, and there are a lot of folks in this world that need us. Yes, there are disasters world round and millions of people suffering; but, I just found out that the womens shelter in my city is out of food!

They have no food to offer the women and children who come to their centre for help and are now turning them away. Please for all those who have a little something extra, don't forget about your womens shelters when making donations.

I have donated what I can to the red cross for Haiti, I also donate semi-annually to the Pediatric society (they have a needle to give children who are born to HIV positive moms to prevent the babies from contracting HIV and AIDS) and I absolutely donate to my local womens shelter. They have been monumental in helping me through counseling and support in recovering from the abuse I endured.

Please, do not forget your local shelters when making your decision to donate. If every person donated 1 can or 1 dollar - it does make a difference!

Resilient Adults

2010-01-19T18:10:00.002-05:00

So I usually have an idea of what I am going to post for the next week or so, but I am going off my plan here. Last night at my group session, we had a guest speaker and I wanted to share with you all some of the insight and information that she discussed and that I found to be powerful and helpful for me.

Our guest speaker talked about a case study done that is called "Resilient Adults: Overcoming a Cruel Past" By Gina Oconnell-Higgins. This case study looked at women who have been abused (mostly as children but the concept of domestic violence is still the same) who overcame their experience and became strong, independent, happy and loving adults. Some of the common qualities in these women are as follows:

*Resolved NOT to repeat the past and had a vision of something better for themselves
*They don't give into bitterness and have a high selfesteem
*They have "confrontation courage". This term I really liked. This does not mean they start arguments etc what it is meaning is that they stand up for themselves and confront the bullies in the world and those who do not treat people equally.
*When overcoming their abuse, they did not forgive their abuser, but they understand the abuse that occured and don't let it control them.
*They have become stronger and more effective because of their experience.

I find that these are great qualities, and ones that I strive for. If us abused women can look at our experience, and know that we won't let it happen again, and that we can and WILL overcome it to a happier life, we will be stronger, more compassionate and understanding because of what we went through.

I am going to find this case study and read the whole thing. I found it very interesting and intriguing.

MISPLACED COMPASSION.CONT

2010-01-16T11:47:00.002-05:00

So I want to provide my thoughts and feelings towards the short story I posted a few short days ago.

I feel that the title is excellent and really shows a common pattern in abused women. Abused women, will show compasssion towards their abuser and have the thought that he is abusing her because of what is going on in his life. She feels as though if she shows compassion and feels sorry for him and tries to fix his problem, he will stop abusing her.

This again, is a strong misconception when you are in this type of situation. Your abuser, will ALWAYS have something or someone to blame for his anger and abusive ways. You can't show him compassion, as he is not showing you any. And honestly, why does he deserve your compassion?

To the abused women out there, you should be showing compassion towards yourself and your children (if you have any). If you are demonstrating compassion towards your abuser, is it MISPLACED! No matter what you do, how hard you try, he will always have an excuse for his actions and that will never change. Whether he blames you, his work, his parents, the government! He will always, blame something or someone else because he is the victim in his eyes: But in reality, you are the victim and are the one that needs compassion and help.

You can't change him: An abuser can be changed, but only when they realize their actions are their fault, within their control and when they seek professional help.

MISPLACED COMPASSION

2010-01-14T18:29:00.002-05:00

I want to share with you all, a short story that we read and discussed in one of my group sessions a few weeks ago. It is a disturbing story, but one that describes what my situation was like when I was pregnant. And one that describes many situations I am sure.

I hope that this story can make people realize how many women out there are just "living" with the abuse and trying to keep the peace for their childrens sake. I hope that this story gets you thinking and I am hoping that some of you will share your comments and opinions as to what you think about it.

MISPLACE COMPASSION
BY SHIRLEY OBERG

She picked her way painfully through the littered living room strewn with the debris of his violence. With a muffled groan she sank into the brown stuffed chair crossing her hands on her swollen pregnant stomach. She had to rest a minute before putting everything aright. The kids would be up in a few minutes. Three children, and not one of them ever slept past seven.

Under her hands, the baby moved. Looking down she noticed that her wrists were swollen and bruised. He had grabbed her wrists and twisted her to her knees. Her body was awakening to the sore spots. Time later to assess the damage. Imperative now to get the house in order so the kids wouldn't notice. Get the water on for cereal. Start the coffee. Make things right, normal. Drawing in a determine breath, she pulled herself out of the chair.

A dozen aching deeds later, she heard him in the bathroom. She glanced nervously around. Everything was set aright; Judy sent cheerfully off to school, Alice and Tony seated in front of the TV, a broken mirror and glasses tidily disposed of, a pot of leftovers simmering into soup on the stove.

The kitchen filled with his presence, but she did not turn around from the sink. A chair scraped the floor and creaked under his weight.

"Do you want some coffee?" she asked, staring into the tile above the sink.

He didn't answer. The baby moved heavily in her stomach. Glancing over her shoulder she saw his brooding face as she stared out the window. Her hands continued washing plates and glasses, as the sinking feeling settled into her.

"What's wrong?"

"it's no use," his voice was heavy with defeat. "I'm letting the garage go"

"No. You can't"

The ramshackle building down on Fifth STreet proclaiming "ARTS CRAFT; BODY SHOP AND SMALL ENGINE REPAIR" in bright red letters across the top had been his dream for five years. Five years of seemingly endless sacrifice.

"Can't we just make partial payments on these bills?" she asked.

"No." He shoved the chair back in disgust. "Too little, too late." Running his hand through his hair he snorted, "How in the hell can I get ahead by making payments? I can't even support this family on what the shop is making."

Not looking at her, he took the cup of coffee held out to him.

"Let the bastards foreclose." He turned and stared out the window in studied defeat.

Bracelets of pain clasped her wrists as she wrung the dish cloth and started wiping down the counter.

"We can't give up now, Art" She made her voice determined.

"We," he mimicked with a pointed clance at her stomach, then glaring out the window.

"Don't worry," she said brightly, her mind racing. "You don't have to give up the shop. I know where we can get the money"

His look was half suspicious, half incredulous.

"Where?"

"From my dad," she plunged forward before he could object. "He called yesterday and said if there was anything he could do for us to let him know, he would be glad to help."

"He said that? I thought he didn't like me"

"Oh, don't be silly", she lied cheerfully, "that's just the way he is. He thinks you're one of the hardest working men he knows."

Watching the relief smooth out the tension on his face, she kep her reassuring smile stuck firmly in place while he gathered up his jacket and tools.

With his red and white cap perched back on his head he gave her a wink and a wave from the car, and gunning the engine to show his excitement, squealed out, once again in charge of his world.

Soon she could rest. Take the two kids with her into the big bed, and they would all take a two-hour nap.

But quickly, before her courage failed she dialed the phone.

"Dad? Hi, it's Laura"

"Really?"

"I know. It's been a long time. How are you? Good, that's good. I'm glad. Me?" As she gripped the phone, pain rippled up her arm. "Oh, fine. We're just fine. The kids are doing great. Except..." She laughed nervously. "I'm pregnant again. Which is why I'm calling Dad..."

I find this short story to be very though prevoking and disturbing.

Any comments or thoughts?

HEALTHY SUPPORTS

2010-01-12T14:43:00.002-05:00

Ok so now I want to go over healthy supports. Recovering from abuse is one in which you need support and friends who understand and who are there for you in a healthy way:

*Listen
*They are always there for you
*They offer you help
*They acknowledge your experience and how hard it has been for you
*They remember and remind you of your accomplishments
*They keep your personal information confidential
*They focus on your strengths and your ability to get through things
*They will challenge your thinking in a positive way
*They ask about ideas and offer thier thoughts and opinions.

Please, re-evaluate those you have chosen to lean on for support and make sure they are really helping, there for you and are a positive force in your life. You need positive people around you and people who truely care for you!

Unhealthy Supports

2010-01-10T09:15:00.002-05:00

So I wanted to add a post or two about friends and supports. When you have gone through abuse and are trying to recover from it, friends and help are a must. But, healthy ones are what you need. Here are some signs on an Unealthy Support/Friend:

*They are there for you when they feel like it
*They tell you how to do it better
*Start telling you how their experiences are much worse than your experience
*They remember and remind you of your mistakes
*They gossip and tell others about your personal life
*They think they know everything
*They tell you about all the things you did wrong
*They focus on your weaknesses and give you reasons why you will not succeed.

If you are finding that those you are trying to confide in and are turning to help, take these approaches with you; reconsider them as a strong support. You need good and healthy support and people that you can depend on to help you through this.

Link between Narcissistic Personality and Abusers

2010-01-08T20:02:00.000-05:00

So through my research I have begun to find a huge link between men who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and abusive men. Here is the link that I have found and my theory for why those who suffer with this disorder are high candidates to be abusers:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Those with this disorder have a high need for admiration, prestige and power. They lack empathy and are obsessed with personal adequacy. They are self centered, desire power and want to be constantly praised - and will go to any lengths to be praised.

Abusers: They lack empathy, they crave power and control, they are selfish as they care only about themselves and their feelings - not the people in their life.

Now that I have broken down and defined each - it is real easy to see the link and why those who have NPD have a high rate of being abusive.

Pay attention to the signs of both and if you are in a new relationship and see the "red flags' save yourself to avoid further abuse.

LAYOUT

2010-01-07T19:21:00.000-05:00

To my readers:

I have been playing around with templates for a while, and wasn't a fan of my old one. I have uploaded this new template and still am not 100% sure.

Any one care to share their opinions - do you like this template? I have to decide before I pay for the program, and being a single mom, I want to make sure the template works before I pay.

Your opinions would be greatly valued,

ABUSE STATISTICS

2010-01-05T15:37:00.000-05:00

So I wanted to bring some disturbing statistics to everyone's attention. Society has this misbelief that abuse is rare, however, I have found some statistics that show how common it really is.

7% of women in this world are abused at some point in their lives. This is 420 000 000 women who have or will be abused

Women are 10 times more likely to fear for their lives than men and on average experience 10 violent episodes.

11% of female victims are stalked by their ex partners

Between 40-45% of murdered women, are murdered by their partner

Between 1-2 women (in the Uk only for this Stat) per week are murdered by their partner

I find these statistics disturbing and that they really demonstrate the need of awareness and the misconception society has about abuse. It's out there, whether the victims know they are being abused or not. We should not be embarassed, and should stand together to try and raise awareness and education on what abuse is and the effects of abuse on women.

HAPPY NEW YEAR - WARRIER WOMAN

2010-01-02T12:15:00.000-05:00

Happy new year everyone! I hope that 2010 blesses you all with joy, happiness and safety. Whatever your journey this year, it is for the best.
I wanted to start 2010 with a poem that I love and really see myself and all abused women in. I hope you enjoy:

WARRIOR WOMAN

She stands alone,
but I see the spirits
of so many others
survivors of the same battle
amassed behind her.

She stands alone,
but with each word she speaks
I hear the walls of silence
imprisoning the guiltless
come crashing down

She stands alone,
but in light of her courage
I feel a shift, a change,
in my deepest heart.

Each beat like throbbing drums
that pound out a call to battle,
echoes with my new found strength.

She stands alone,
before the world
to proclaim her innocence
and mine!

Warrior woman. I hear you!
Like golden arrows your
words do battle with
the swirling darkness.

Warrior woman, I see with awe,
your undefeated spirit that
fights for freedom, and wellness,
and I know that it is my own.

Warrior woman,I recognise,
though you may not
that you have spoken
for all who cannot speak,
and fought for all
who cannot fight.
Warrior Woman, I thank you!

Leslie Vaughn.

Abusive Relationship

2009-12-29T15:56:00.000-05:00

Are you in an abusive relationship? There are so many women out there who are in an abusive relationship and don't even know it. They think they are simply being treated poorly and are in an unhealthy relationship. The below phrases describe an abusive relationship:

*One or both partners yells, hits, pushes or intimidates
*One partner has limits and restrictions imposed upon them with regards to outside relationships
*One partner holds all of hte decisionmaking power
*One partner is not able to communicate feelings, needs and desires and they are not respected
*Mistrust and dishonesty are tools frequently used to undermine the self-esteem and self-worth of one partner
*One partner is not allowed to have any boundaries
*One partner regularily changes their behaviour, opinions or choices to accommodate their partner because of fear
*One partner is not able to care for themselves because the focus is on the other partner in the relationship
*One partner feels threatened when the other wants personal growth resulting in feeling trapped
*One partner forces or coerces the other to engage in unwanted sexual activity.

If these phrases describes you and your relationhip, then you are in an abusive relationship. This last series of posts are meant to raise more awareness as to the difference between the 3 type of relationships. If you are being abused, please do something about it: Seek help, talk to friends, speak with counselor's - anything. But don't stay and don't let your partner take away your self-worth. Like the cover girl commercials say "YOU ARE WORTH IT!". Don't you ever forget that!

Fairy Tale Ending

2009-12-27T20:12:00.000-05:00

So I have added a new picture at the top of this blog. When I found this picture I thought it was perfect for my blog.

All of us abused women are like Cinderella. We have gone through our hardships, been treated poorly and lived through it. Our prince will come and show us women, what a real man is like and how a women SHOULD be treated!

We all deserve happiness like Cinderella. We will have our fairy tale endings, and live HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

Unhealthy Relationship

2009-12-27T18:26:00.000-05:00

Do you know the difference between an unhealthy relationship and an abusive relationship? If you do not, I hope that this post can help you. I am going to list some phrases (like the post prior) but these phrases describe an unhealthy relationship.

*Resolving conflicts in a manner that leaves one of both partners feeling unheard and conflict is not resolved
*One of both partners feel guilty for having independent relationships
*One of both partners feel that all opinions should be the same
*One of both partners feel unheard and unable to communicate feelings, needs and desires
*There is mistrust and dishonesty in the relationship
*Privacy is not respected
*One or both partners feel pressure to change into something they are not
*One or both partners feel guilt for taking time out for themselves
*There is a feeling of being stifled
*There is a feeling of sexual pressure to engage in unwanted sexual activity.

If these phrases describe your relationship, than you are in an unhealthy relationship. Work with your partner on trying to improve things or move on! Being in an unhealthy relationship will not last in the long run so save yourself some heartache!

Healthy Relationship

2009-12-26T18:29:00.000-05:00

So at my group last week, we had a great exercise in which we were given a sentance and had to read it and determine if it fell under a healthy, unhealthy or abusive relationship. It was quite interesting and a lot of the ladies thought that certain things were unhealthy when they were indeed abusive. I am going to start a series of posts going through these sentances so anyone reading this, can determine if they have a healty, unhealthy or abusive relationship. I found it to be great and I learned a lot. I hope you all do as well.

I am going to start backwards, and go with a healthy relationship. If the following sentances describe your relationship CONGRATULATIONS you are in a healthy relationship. This is the ideal relationship and one that we should all be working towards being in.

*Resolving conflicts in a rational, peaceful, and mutually agreed upon way
*Having independent relationships with friends and family and having independent activities.
*Discussing things, allowing for differences of opinion and compromising equally
*Expressing and listening to each other's feelings, needs and desires
*Having honesty and trust with yourself and each other
*Respecting the need for privacy
*Respecting each partner's uniqueness; allowing each partner to be themselves
*Having good self-care practices
*Having the space for personal growth and learning
*Sexual boundaries are respected.

So CONGRATULATIONS to you if your relationship falls within this category. This is something that I want one day. If you have read this, and it does NOT describe your relationship, come back and read this blog again, to learn about unhealthy and abusive relationships.

We all deserve to be happy, and we all deserve to be in a healthy relationship. Hopefully, all of us can find this someday!

Holiday Season

2009-12-21T21:42:00.000-05:00

To my many followers (lol):

I have not been diligent over the past few days in posting to my blog.I have so much to write and so little time.

This is my first Christmas being a mom, and I have gone way overboard! don't we all! With the shopping, wrapping, decorating etc I haven't had the time to come on here over the past few days, but I will again once the holiday season is over.

I know my son is only 9 months old, and probaby has no idea what's going on, but he loves the decorations and is curious as to the presents under the tree. I am just so excited I can't help myself. Christmas is sooo magical when there are children around.

Sorry for my lack of diligence, but I have some new information and posts to write, I just need to be able to find the time over this hectic season to get it in!

I wish anyone who reads this blog a very MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR! May your holiday season be filled with happiness, safety and joy

TRAINGULATION

2009-12-20T19:26:00.000-05:00

Triangulation! What the heck is this? Well, i just learned this term at my group last week and couldn't believe what it meant, and how common it is.

Triangulation is when the abusive partner calls the family members and friends of the abusee and tries to turn everyone against the abusee. From my group and the chat that us ladies had, this starts early in the relationship.

If your partner has been making unacceptable phone calls to your family members and friends about you, beware! He is trying to turn everyone against you, so that he looks better and like the sain one and you look like the crazy one who has issues. This is a very common technique, one that I experienced, but not one that ever knew a term existed to define and I never realized that other men do this to their partners! I was FLABERGASTED! and shocked the say the least when I realized how common it is, in abusive relationships.

So beware of the triangulator!

Anxiety Exercise

2009-12-16T19:55:00.000-05:00

So now that you have some definitions and understanding of how our way of thinking helps our anxiety, I am going to describe an excercise that my counselor gave me to do. It worked great and I still use it to this day.

When you get upset and become anxious.
Write down what the event is
Write down the "negative thought definition" that describes what you are doing
Write down a positive thought to replace this negative thought.

Keep repeating this positive thought over and over and over. Try to focus on the positive instead of the negative.

Do this for every anxious response and event that occurs in the next week. You will see a pattern and you will see that this will help.

Good luck on becoming anxiety free! Remember, I am not a counselor, simply relaying the information and exercises my counselor has given to me!

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

2009-12-12T13:05:00.000-05:00

Ok so this is a little off from the anxiety, I am going to continue with that, however I have beeen doing a lot of research on the link between narcissistic personality disorder and an abuser.

I found a FANTASTIC blog that you need to check out if you are looking for information on narcissism. it's great!! I LOVE IT!!! I have also added it to the blogs I follow. Once I find more information on the link and have created my theories (I already have a few) I will be posting more on narcissism and the link between it an abusers!!!!

It does appear to be a stale blog - the last posting was in April 2008 - but the information and discussions you will find there are very informative.

Helpful Technique to Overcoming Anxiety

2009-12-11T19:07:00.000-05:00

There is a technique that I have learned from my counselor that has really helped me in overcoming my anxiety. I hope that it too, can help you. It is challenging but well worth it!

I am going to start be providing a few definitions of the way that anxiety sufferers think:

OVERGENERALIZATION: Any problem is made to look bigger than it really is. Words are used like "never, always, everybody". This makes an occassional occurance seem like an intolerable ongoing event. Basically, exaggerating which creates an anxious response.

BLAMING: Other people are doing bad things to you usually on purpose. By blaming, you are giving up the power to change a situation.

COMANDING: Using words like "should have got to" Having values is a healthy thing, but when they are raised to the level or moral dictates, problems with anxiety occur.

MAGNIFYING THE SITUATION: You turn a bad situation into the worst possible conclusion and continually set yourself up to relive this worst possible conclusion.

MISATTRIBUTIONS: Jumping to conclusions and mind reading.

These are the negative thoughts that anxiety sufferers experience, when going through a panic attack, or simply living with anxiety. The first exercise, is when you find yourself thinking this way, try to change these negative thoughts with positives ones!! Yep, it's difficult, and it will take you a while, but eventually you will right away, see and understand that negative thought and try to replace it. For example:
Lets use magnifying the situation. You are thinking "It's all over for me now. I'll never be able to show my face around here again!

Replace these negative thoughts with positive ones like: Yeah, this is frustrating but it's not the end of the world. or yes this is embarassing but tomorrow, everyone will forget!!!

Developing new positive coping thoughts will really help you in relieving your anxiety. I hope this works and next post I will move onto the next step.

These exercises really worked for me, and I can now deal with situations and events better than I ever could!

Keep Believing in Yourself

2009-12-10T19:30:00.001-05:00

This is a poem that my counselor gave me as she seen me in this poem. I do as well and I am sure somem of you will:

There are times when people
disappoint you and let you know,
but those are the times
when you must remind yourself
to trust your own judgements and opinions,
and to keep your life focused on believing in yourself
and all that you are capable of.

There will be challenges to face
and changes to make in your life,
and it is up to you to accept them.
Constantly keep yourself headed
in the right directions for you.
It may not be easy at times,
but in those times of struggle
you will find a stronger sense of who you are,
and you will also see yourself
developing into the person
you have always wanted to be.

So when the days come that are filled
with frustration and unexpected responsibilities,
remember to believe in yourself
and all you want your life to be,
because the challenges and changes
will help you to find dreams that
you know are true for you.

I think this is a motivating poem and I really like it.

Truths of Men Who Batter

2009-12-09T21:06:00.001-05:00

So in continuing from my last post here are the truths to combat the common myths.

Truth 1 - Abusive men are often gentle, loving clean and successful. There is no standard physical feature.
Truth 2 - Men who are abusive are often abusive only at home. They are friend in public and perceived as nice people.
Truth 3 - Abusive men can be found in all backgrounds and all education classifications
Truth 4 - Men who batter feel like they have no control over their violent behaviour, but they do. They make poor choices and can learn to change their behaviour.
Truth 5 - Abuse is an individual issue. Men who are abusive, are abusive with several partners not just one. Abuse wrecks relationships and battering is a poor choice involving power and control.

I simply found these myths and truths very interesting, as per my personal endeavours and conversations, I find a lot of people believe these myths and they simply need to be clarified and understood.

Myths of Men Who Are Abusive!

2009-12-08T19:56:00.001-05:00

So I want to continue with some more myths to point out. This time, the focus is on the men who batter and abuse women.

Myth 1 - Abusive men are scuzzy, ugly and mean looking
Myth 2 - Abusive men are abusive in ALL of their relationships
Myth 3 - Men who batter are uneducated.
Myth 4 - Men who abuse are pyscopaths who have no control over their behaviour and lack morals
Myth 5 - Women cause the abusive by nagging
Myth 6 - Physically abusive men are physically abusive every day not just once in a while.

These are the top six myths, in my opinion about abusive men. I will combat these myths in another posting.

I hope you find these helpful. I find them quite interesting and they really do demonstrate the lack of education and knowledge of what abuse really is and of who is abusive: physically or emotionally!

Truths of a Battered Woman

2009-12-06T21:24:00.000-05:00

In Continuing from the last post I would like to counteract those myths with the ACTUAL truths. Society really needs to be educated on abuse and what they believe.

Truth #1 - Many abused women are afraid to tell anyone about the abuse they have endured. The FBI estimates that every 18 seconds a woman is hit by her male partner.

Truth #2 - Abused occurs by all faiths

Truth #3 - THe abuse will continue and become more severe over time. Men who batter will try to stop but they are unable to without professional help. They need to learn healthier methods of dealing with their problems.

Truth #4 - Battering is dangerous. It is the most common way that women are murdered by men.

THE BIGGEST MYTH BUSTED:

Truth #5 - Abusive behaviour is LEARNED!!! Boys are trained to be rough and controlling. Aggression is learned from role models and there is very little proof that men and people have an instinct for violence!!!

Myths of a Battered Womsn

2009-12-04T18:49:00.000-05:00

So I have come across some disturbing myths about battered and abused woman that I wanted to share on my blog.

Mtyh 1 - Battering is rare
Myth 2 - Religious faith will prevent battering.
Myth 3 - The abuse will stop over time on it's own
Myth 4 - Physical abuse is not serious nor harmful
Myth 5 - Abuse is instinct. Men are agressive from birth.

These are the top 5 myths that I have found that are completely false but common beliefs in today's society. If you are one that thought these statements were true,you are strongly mistaken.

My next post will be dedicated to the truths behind these myths.

RED FLAGS OF AN ABUSIVE PARTNER

2009-12-03T16:11:00.000-05:00

So I wanted to dedicate this posting simply to the flags to look for if you are in a new relationship or in a long term relationship. Hopefully these signs can help you if you think you may be at risk of being abused.

Abuse of alcohol or drugs
history of trouble with the law
getting in fights or destroying property
doesn't work and doesn't go to school
puts down other people
always, ALWAYS angry at something
you feel afraid to break up with him
are afraid to make decisions
find yourself cyring a lot or depressed
worrying and obsessing about how to keep your partner happy
abuse is getting worse over time
blames all the arguments on you
threatens suicide if you break up with him
tells you how to dress or act
has extreme mood swings
calls you names
compares you to former partners
control who you hang out with and where you go
forces you to be sexual when you don't want to
takes your money or takes advantage of you in other ways
doesn't listen to you or show interest in your feelings
lies to you

these are the main red flags: If your partner fits into any of these statements you are at risk for being abused. Becareful. If your partner fits most of these statements than you are at HIGH risk of being abused or already are and don't realize it.

The Cycle of Abuse

2009-12-01T19:12:00.000-05:00

When I finally left my relationship, it had taken me 10 months - from January - October to leave for good. I felt horrible and always thought that this was way TOO long and I lacked inner strength. Well, what I learned today in counseling baffled me and I hope I can share with you the definition of the cycle of abuse.

On average, women who have been abused leave their partner 7 times - yes 7 times - before they finally leave for good. Their abusive partner takes a 180 and turns into the ideal man telling them that they love you, miss you, are sorry for what they did blablablablablabla!! But, the fact is, we are women this is what we want to hear and we fall for it.

Leaving an abusive partner is a process that takes a lot of inner strength and time even years. If you have made the decision that you are ready to leave your partner you have taken the first step to freedom. Do not feel bad if you go back and fall into this cycle, you are not alone as millions of women out there do the same thing.

But, if you have read this posting, please make yourself aware of this cycle and be strong! Know the game that is being played and don't fall for it. Because if you do go back, the abuse will be worse than it was!

Parental Alienation Syndrom. What is it?

2009-11-30T09:36:00.000-05:00

I want to define exactly what Parental Alientation Syndrom is. Until I was going through the court process with my sons father, this is a term that I had never heard of before. But, it was thrown around and therefore struck my curiosity to learn about it.

This syndrome is classified as child abuse. Parental Alienation Syndrom is when one parent, slanders and puts the other parent down to their child, in hopes of turning their child against the other parent. Seriously, that's what this means.

Yes, during a custody case and divorce or separation there is animosity, anger, hate and emotions are flying high. But parents, lets be mature about this and keep the children involved innocent to what is going on. They are not pawns and are not be used to try and hurt the other parent: This only ends up hurting the children.

You love your children don't you? Then do what you can to protect them. Children who come from separated parents have enough to deal with emotionally, and being caught in the middle and dragged into the battle is not fair to them. They are innocent beings who love their parents and don't deserve to be treated this way.

So all in all: Leave the battle for the court room and your nasty opinions of each other to yourself! The children involved should NOT be subjected to this hate and anger. It will have a profound long term effect on them! And personally,I wouldn't what that on my conscience.

Maybel Laine

2009-11-29T09:37:00.000-05:00

so last night I received an interesting comment from a women named Maybel Laine. I just had to respond to this comment. Firstly, I 100% urge everyone who reads my writing to comment, positive or negative, I am interested to hear your opinions on my writing. This comment means my voice is being heard.

In her comment there were a lot of assumptions that were made based on what I have written so far and I definitely want to clarify, in case any one else out there is making the same assumptions.

First: I do all my writing while my son is sleeping or visiting his father. This is my therapy and something I am passionate about. I love to write (always have) and have taken several writing courses through out my university and college careers. I have an 8 month old who takes naps during the day and goes to sleep early at night. I have some free time and what I choose to do with my free time is write! It is my hobby that I enjoy, so if you have an issue with me writing so what!!!!

secondly: I have always encouraged a relationship between my son and his father. I have also ALWAYS encouraged his father to get the help I feel he needs. I do not want him to treat my son the same way he treated me. Yes, according to Maybel Laine he has faults, but they don't matter. Well, they do matter. My son is an innocent child who doesn't deserve anything but the best. My son's father's, mother also encourages him to get the help he needs: yes he has faults, yes I have faults. But ultimately we should both improve ourselves for the sake of our son. I have done this and don't feel that he has.

thirdly: The battle in court I refer to in my profile, is over the father coming to me to see his son. I disagree with the principle that I should have to drive my son to his father and bear the expense. I don't receive child support and I deserve a few hours a week to my self; After all, this is when I write. It clears my head, gets things off my chest and helps me to raise awareness for other women out there like me. I know from readers and friends, that so far, my words are helping them. If I help only one person in this world, than I have succeeded in my goal! The court hearings are also about sole custody and child support. As Maybel Laine pointed out, it takes two to make a baby and two to raise him: This includes financial expenses! I love that men out there don't want to pay any expenses to help with their child, but feel they deserve all the rights! Why do us women have to bear the expense alone? I am against and strongly disagree with this notion. After all, with holding child support is ANOTHER form of abuse according to my counselor.

Fourthly: My writing is focused on abuse, raising awareness and having my voice heard. I don't want to focus on my son's relationship with his father; as this is between my son and his father. I have no say in how their relationship is. It is up to the father to build that relationship with my son. The only opinion I have is that the father better not treat me son poorly as the protective mother in me will come out if this happens! I am focusing on raising awareness and creating a place for women of abuse and sharing my story. Not about a relationship between an abusive man and his son. But by all means, he is more than welcome to write about his challenges and his story. That is his right!

So Maybel thank you for taking your time to read all my writings I really appreciate it. Thank you for taking your time to write a comment I also appreciate that. I hope this posting clarifies any assumptions that may have been taken from my reading so far. I don't fully understand where and how you came to your assumptions, but would love to hear from you as to what piece of writing it was that allowed you to jump to those conclusions!!! And I don't know what country you are in, but in the U.S.A you only get 6 weeks maternity leave, so there are millions of moms working with a 7 month old!!! Americans are not that lucky in this sense!

I love that people are reading what I have to say - this is my goal. I want abused women to know they are not alone and for society to understand what abuse is, and how common it is! I can list over 20 people off the top of my head, in my personal life, that have been abused in some form or another by their partner. It is a real issue and one that I am passionate about! Hence, my blog!!!!

LINK BETWEEN ABUSE VICTIMS AND ANXIETY

2009-11-28T18:47:00.000-05:00

So through my counseling and groups, I have to come to find a very common ground between all of the women: We all suffer from anxiety! I developed anxiety at the beginning of my abusive relationship: Although I didn't know that it was anxiety, actually I didn't what it was at all and was sick of my doctor telling me I was a hypocondriac.

See, I would wake up at night nauseated and vomitting for what appeared to be no reason at all. During the day I would be shaky, my heart would pound, I had trouble breathing and would hyperventilate, I would feel dizzy and constantly tired. When I had a panck attack like this at work it got recognized as a symptom of anxiety. This was a shock to me.

I began to learn more and seeked help for it. I was never fully in control of my anxiety when I was with my abuser, but now, one year later I am anxiety free. I am still a worry bug - but I relate this to being a mom!!!

Being a victim of abuse has proufoundly affected me and it has changed me: But, for the better. Although I went through hell, and I am still going through difficult times I will be a stronger women and a better mom. It has made me who I am and created a passion to raise awareness of what abuse is and to reach out and try and offer a place for victims to talk and to feel comfortable: WE DESERVE THIS!!! and we shouldn't be embarassed and ashamed any longer.

Lesson Learned

2009-11-24T16:45:00.000-05:00

So, if you have physically been harmed by your partner: Please please please please, go see a doctor about it so you have it on record. Your partner doesn't need to know, you can simply state you are going for a physical or female issues or don't even tell him/her that you are going.

The fact is, if you are being physicall harmed, you are not going to stay forever. You may not yet have the confidence or courage to leave, but you will one day. And to protect yourself for that day, get the proof that you will need.

I have learned that unless you have it documented by the police, hospital or doctor it becomes a he said/she said battle. Your abuser is not going to admit that he/she hit you, so you need to ensure you have something indicating that it occured.

Protect yourself for the future.

Family Law

2009-11-22T20:39:00.000-05:00

So I wanted to make a post solely dedicated to the family law court sytem, in canada. I am currently still going through it, but as when I first started I had no clue what to expect:

First step: You go to court and file for custoy and other stipulations. they give you a court date.
second step: At this court date, nothing happens you simply set a date for a case conference.
third step: At the case conference you file your notes and the other party files theirs. here, a judge can not make a decision simply gives you his/her opinion. You are sent out to the hallway and your lawyers try to negotiate a temporary agreement. If it is met, it is for a certain time only. If it is not met, you will file a motion.
Fourth step: A temporary order was madea at the case conference and a few months later a settlement conference is scheduled. This is exactly the same as a case conference except the temporary order will be in place until trial. Or you can settle on a final order if the parties are in agreement.
fifth step: If no agreement is made, you will file a motion. Here is where evidence is submitted and the lawyers argue for you infront of a judge.Here, a judge WILL make a decision, temporary with a set period or until trial.
sixth stage: I am not this far yet so as I go, I will let you know!

I hope this helps answer your basic questions. I know when I started I was constantly searching for information and found very little in my search and was left learning as I went.

Why am I Still Grieving? What's Wrong with Me?

2009-11-19T15:45:00.000-05:00

I have come to learn that despite my inner thoughts,I am still grieving this abusive relationship that I left over one year ago. I don't think about the guy, I don't desire him (shoot! I didn't while we were together), but I still hate him. I still have anger and he still knows how, and can frustrate me. Well, I guess I'm still grieving. It has been a year and I haven't dated, and don't want to date because I guess, as much as I hate admitting it, I am not ready to date!!

I have come to learn that grieving is a process in which the timeframe varies from person to person. There are three basic stages, the first is shock, disbelief, denial or acting stage. This would be when I left him. The second stage is the longest and filled with the most variances of emotions: From sadness to crying to hate and anger. Any emotion that is still felt towards the loss that you are grieving. And the third stage is the final stage where you are ready to move on with your life. Despite my greatest efforts, I am not quite here yet, I am stuck in the middle stage.

But in stating this, there is nothing wrong with me! Everyone is different, everyone grieves differently and everyone takes their own time to grieve. Al though I am still grieving I am in denial about grieving over him! I am grieving over the abuse and not ready to make myself vulnerable again! Hopefully, I can in due time, as life goes on!!!

CHEATING, IT IS A FORM OF ABUSE

2009-11-18T13:11:00.000-05:00

Another painful form of abuse that leave a person helpless and broken, is when their partner cheats on them. I can't tell you how many people say to their partner "I would never cheat. I would leave you before I cheat"...(how many times have you or one of your friends made this statement or had it made to them). If you say this, please honour it!!! Why do men/women feel it neccessary to cheat on their partner? If you are not happy in the relationship, for what ever reason, then leave it! Don't stick around betraying your partner. This is disrespectful and leaves your partner helpless and broken. Not to mention, that person will develop trust issues and baggage that they will carry around with them.

In my opinion, being cheated on in another form of abuse. It has the same repurcussions and affects a person for the long term. It makes me sick, when I'm in a relationship, to think about my partner being with another women and the wonder and thought of it, can drive a person crazy!

It angers me, to hear stories of people trying to find out and suspecting it, but not knowing for sure: When they confront their partner they DENY DENY DENY. Well let me know tell you, your gut instinct and intuition is a powerful thing. If your body is telling you something is wrong, trust it!!! Don't ignore that feeling in the pit of your stomach and don't stick around to make yourself crazy. Chances are, that person is cheating and if they are not, then you do not trust them. Either way, the relationship is doomed so why delay it and have your self hurt more!!!!

ULITMATE COOKING GUIDE

2009-11-17T19:43:00.000-05:00

So for those who (hopefully) will end up reading some of my blog, I am going a bit off topic with this posting. I have decided to start this blog to try and help those in abusive relationships, and raise awareness. It is a great place for me to share my opinions and here that of others!

For those of you who are moms, if you are anything like me, cooking is not a passion, but darn it I ENJOY EATING!!! Now, being a single mom and raising a son, I just don't have the time nor the money to eat out. Not to mention it is quite embarassing to go to a restaurant and have my son start screaming and not be able to stop. So eating out, has been basically eliminated from my life.

While surfing the net trying to find a "cookbook for dummies" type idea, I found a fantastic cooking collection that I must reccommend. It contains secret recipes from your favorite restaurants. The one I use the most is KFC!!! I love to now entertain and cook for myself...my meals actually taste good and are within my budget. I had to share my opinion, as I just finished cooking the most fantastic meal EVER and it got me excited and wanting to share it with all. I have added a link at the bottom of my blog, for those of you who want to check out this collection. It is the only collection you will need again for cooking and will save you hundreds of dollars!!

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

2009-11-17T09:58:00.000-05:00

When I started to realize that i was in an abusive relationship, and started to seek help for the abuse and learned what abuse is, the term "narcissistic" came up frequently in my endeavour. What I learned and realized is that those who have a narcissistic personalities, are prime candidates to be abusers.

Narcissistic people have huge egos, a need to be admired and feel superior to other people. But, they are fragile, very sensitive and need their ego stroked and to be in control of making them selves feel powerful. If you know someone who fits this category, keep an eye out for abusive behaviour towards you. In my experience, trying to get them help can create more arguments and more abuse towards you!

It is difficult to live with and be in a relationship with this type of person, as they need to continually put you down and make you feel horrible about yourself. This in turn, makes them feel powerful and in control! You don't deserve to be treated this way and it can be difficult on your mental health and self perception.

misconception of abuse

2009-11-16T20:51:00.000-05:00

It angers me to no end, to hear people make the comment "I never hit my partner, I'm not abusive!"....What on earth is this?????Abuse is sooooo much more than being beat up. Any act of violence against someone in attempt to control and intimidate is ABUSE!!!! If you throw a coffee table at me, punch the wall during an argument, whip a glass at me, put me down and call me names, blame all your problems on me, and take away my dignity and self-confidence - YOU HAVE PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSED ME!!! Not only men take these actions, but women as well. Society needs to be educated as to what abuse entails. Abusers need control at all times and victims just give in to appease their abuser. There are sooooo many people in this world being abused it sickens me.

I just got back from a group I am in for greiving and abused women. There are women out there who have been abused for 40 years and are now just realizing what they have endured and the effects it has had on their lives. Nobody has the right to treat others this way, and nobody deserves to be treated this way. I hope that I can help get the message and change societies misconception of what abuse really is. Our court systems almost promote it!! If there is no hospital records or police charges - well then, the abuse didn't happen!! PLEASE!!!! Police officers, judges, lawyers, social workers, Children's aid and all professionals in social service should be fully educated on what abuse is, the signs of abuse and the character of an abuser. Children, women and men everywhere need to be protected and shielded from this behaviour. ESPECIALLY children and teenagers! We need to stand up and become educated on the profound and long term effects of physical and emotional abuse!!!

Being abused by your narcissistic and violent partner

2009-11-16T12:12:00.001-05:00

So I am a 28 year old single mom who had leave an abusive relationship when I was three months pregnant. Spending 2.5 years in an abusive relationship, and now 1 year fighting with my narcissistic abuser in court has been draining emotionally and financially. I don't understand why we as women feel embarassed and ashamed! We don't want to talk about it, and don't want anyone to know what we have gone through. This notion, has to change. People - especially women - need to be educated on WHAT abuse is!!! We need not be ashamed of the abuse we endeared, instead learn from it and become stronger women in the future. We need to stand together and be proud to be strong independent women, mothers, daughters etc.

I want to share my story and I want to hear others stories. It is not fair to us, to have to hide in a corner and keep all of our emotions, fears and feelings hidden in fear that no one will beleive us, or in embarassment to admit what has happened to us. We are the victims and deserve to have a voice and be heard! These men, are the ones who should be embarassed and ashamed and should be shunned for their behaviour. Not us!!!!